


I Can't Believe You Believe In Me

by Sasa_Q



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Garak gets emotional, Interspecies Relationship(s), M/M, sprinkles in a bit of self-hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2020-10-07
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:15:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26872027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sasa_Q/pseuds/Sasa_Q
Summary: "I've felt this way since forever," Garak said. "Since we first got into a relationship. But just now, when you were on your knees in front of me, I- I couldn't stop thinking about how alien I am to you, how even something as basic as my biology is so foreign. I can't stop thinking about how ugly I must look to you."
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak
Comments: 6
Kudos: 67
Collections: Trektober 2020





	I Can't Believe You Believe In Me

Garak didn't think he would ever get used to the fact that and Julian Bashir were together. And he didn't think he SHOULD get used to it. Keep on your toes, Elim, he had to remind himself. Don't get too comfortable. Well, that was one worry that was unfounded. Garak had made it his mission to never be comfortable with anyone, even dear Julian.

Julian noticed. "Elim," he would say, "are you okay?"

And for a moment Garak wouldn't know what to say. There was always the quickest option, which was to lie. That came easily to him. But then there was the hard option: to tell the truth. And the truth, it hurt. Because he wasn't okay. Because every single moment, he couldn't stop thinking about the differences, little and big, between the two of them, painful and potent.

Garak couldn't let those differences be known.

"I'm fine," he would say to Julian.

And there was this look in Julian's eyes that let Garak knew Julian didn't quite believe him, but didn't want to press the subject. Garak hated that look. He hated it so very badly. He wanted to shake Julian by the shoulders, to pin him against the wall, to tell him to stop caring because it wasn't worth it in the end, because in the end they were just a human and a Cardassian, that's all, and suddenly it was getting hard for him to breathe and he was having another panic attack and he was lying on the floor wondering what went wrong, why he deserved this.

When he could breathe again, it would come to him. He knew why he deserved this. He was a bad person. He had hurt people, tortured people, killed people, and he was able to sleep at night. He didn't deserve someone like Julian, someone so totally kind and caring. He deserved someone who would hurt him, someone who would wreck him, make him a shell of himself, and only then would he finally be comfortable.

They were in their quarters, sitting on the couch together, hand in hand, kissing softly, tenderly. It began to progress; they began taking off their clothes, murmuring quiet words of endearment. Julian got on his knees for Garak, and Garak felt the familiar tug of arousal in his gut as Julian's tongue began to tease his ajan. Garak closed his eyes.

After a moment, Julian drew away suddenly. "Elim?" he asked.

Garak opened his eyes. Julian was kneeling in front of him still, but his mouth wasn't making contact with him. "What is it?" Garak asked.

"You... you made a noise," said Julian, his voice hesitant. "Are... are you okay, Elim?"

A million thoughts went through Garak's head. ("Yes, I'm okay." "Of course I'm okay!" "I don't know, are YOU okay?") He felt so vulnerable, naked before Julian, standing there with his fists balled and his hair mussed and his head spinning and suddenly, before he could stop it, he blurted out,

"No."

Julian rose to his feet and reached out for Garak's hands, taking them both in his own. "Want to talk about it?" he asked. His voice was so gentle. So caring. Garak knew he didn't deserve that.

"No," Garak said. It was a pitiful sound. He realized he was holding Julian's hands too tightly in his own, and let go. "No. I can't talk about it."

"Are you sure, Elim?" asked Julian. "You seem like you could use someone to listen to you right now."

"All right," Garak said. His hands were shaking. "You want to know what's bothering me? You really want to know?"

"Yes," said Julian. "I do want to know."

"Because you're not going to like it," said Garak. His voice was trembling along with his hands.

"Tell me anyway," said Julian calmly.

"I wish I had never met you," Garak said. The words burst from him involuntarily, and they hurt as they left his mouth.

Damn it, Julian was so calm. "Okay, Elim," he said. "Tell me why."

"No!" Garak said. "No! I wish you'd get upset! I wish you'd yell at me! I wish you'd think about slapping me in the face! Because I DESERVE it."

"No," said Julian. "No, you don't. Elim, tell me why. Please?"

That 'please' was too much. "Because things would- because things would be easier," Garak said, his throat choking up. "Because- because Cardassians and humans weren't meant to be together. Because I... because I don't deserve you."

"I'm sorry you feel that way," said Julian. "Because it's not true. We're proof that Cardassians and humans can be in relationships together. And I' m sorry you believe that you don't deserve me. That's not true either." He reached out for Garak's hands. "When did you start feeling this way?"

Garak moved back. "I've felt this way since forever," he said. "Since we first got into a relationship. But just now, when you were on your knees in front of me, I- I couldn't stop thinking about how alien I am to you, how even something as basic as my biology is so foreign. I can't stop thinking about how ugly I must look to you."

"Oh, Elim," said Julian. "I don't think you're ugly at all. And I don't mind that you don't have the same biology as I do. You're my- you're my Elim, and I love you."

"I wish you wouldn't say that," Garak said. "I know you don't mean it. Don't even try to tell me you mean it."

"But I do mean it," Julian said. "I really do. I love you so much, and it hurts me to think that you don't love yourself."

"Hurts you," Garak said. "That makes sense. That's one thing I'm good at, hurting people."

"I didn't mean to imply that," said Julian. "You're good at so many things. You're good at sewing. You're good at computer programming. You're good at kissing me. You're good at making me happy."

"No, I'm NOT," Garak insisted. "I'm a horrible person, Julian. You don't even know what my hands have done. You don't even WANT to know. I can't believe you believe in me."

"But I do," said Julian. "I believe in you, Elim. And I believe in us. I believe we can work this out, all these feelings you're having. I believe we're strong enough to make it through this. Because I love you, and I know you love me."

"I do," Garak said. It came out like a whimper. "I- I..." A tear ran down his cheek.

Julian stepped forward, and suddenly the two of them were in a tight embrace. They were both naked, but it was entirely nonsexual. Julian held Garak close to him, hugging him tight. "I love you, Elim," he said into Garak's ear. "And that means that I'm never going to give up on you. On us."

"It would be easier if you did," Garak said.

"But I won't."

After a while, they broke apart. There were dried tears on Garak's cheeks. "I love you, Julian," Garak whispered. "I'm sorry for putting you through this."

"It's okay," said Julian quietly. He squeezed Garak's hands. "I'm here for you."

They mutually, silently, agreed that they would not attempt anything else sexual that night. They went to bed, and when they lay down, they held each other close, like they were never going to let go.

**Author's Note:**

> This is for a different event, but it's for the same prompt as my story I Get This Ache That Threatens to Destroy Me (a Qcard fic)- "interspecies relationship".  
> OR, yet another "Garak gets emotional during sex" fic.  
> I would really appreciate if you gave a comment if you've read this far. Thank you so much!


End file.
